ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out