me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
War & Peace
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
you gotta be faster
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*