My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Name this drama.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.