ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
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Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
my lower back watching me try to live my life
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices