I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
A game married people play.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀