Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My what?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay