Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
You Might Also Like
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
necessity is the mother of invention
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
If only.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”