Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
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What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Best spot.. 😅
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
are they though??
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool