Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Not all heroes wear capes…
an airline just for babies.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die