[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.