Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
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Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Happy thanksgiving
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”