i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible