I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
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Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t