Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
This classic never gets old . . .
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks