Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found