Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.