FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.