HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
You Might Also Like
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.