My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.