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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex