every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
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One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI