[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
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Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Wednesday
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.