when you are just born a rebel
You Might Also Like
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life