34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”