My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
You Might Also Like
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Bringing home a sharpie
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*