You Might Also Like
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”