Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
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PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Children of the corn 🌽