me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
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Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.