me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
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Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I occasionally drink every single night.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
There’s never enough good news
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary: