LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
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a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
😲 WTF? 😆
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.