I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Whoa… oh I see lol
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Europe. Made in Germany.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?