“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”