Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
This is I, Robot all over again
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me