There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?