Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward