*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
This is my brand.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn