my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
You better watch out
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand