Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
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ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.