so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak