Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Do not steal food from the science building!
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
What do you hear?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!