Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
You Might Also Like
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.