Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
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We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Nothing.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
just having fun
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.