I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
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we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me