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I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb