Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
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Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
WHY would you be happy about this?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves