I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
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*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.