Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again