Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
He died doing what he loved: being alive