People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
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When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac