[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
You Might Also Like
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child